A spectacular moment of NOPE

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The soon to be 34 year old NOPE.

So, some of my favorite bloggers have anxiety disorders like me: Jenny Lawson (the Bloggess, like you don’t know who she is, liar), Jen Yates (Epbot and Cake Wrecks), etc. They both do an excellent job of explaining what anxiety, especially crowd-related anxiety, feels like. I went to an awesome concert last night for a great artist (who I wanted to promote, but I just realized that if I do, any creepy people who want will be able to figure out exactly what COUNTY I live in, not just the state). So, tiny little venue. My dad goes with me, because we both love Americana music, and we show up early to get good seats since it’s unassigned.

I explained to my dad before-hand that special feeling you get, when you’re an introvert with an anxiety disorder; EXCITEMENT about the concert with simultaneous gut-wrenching NERVOUSNESS about going. Because there will be people there, possibly people you knew in high school, and what if THEY ARE SILENTLY JUDGING YOU, and what about all the people who don’t know you and are hemming you in?!?  And my dad looked at me with the face of an extrovert who loves to talk to people he doesn’t know, but also loves his daughter, and said “okay? I don’t understand, but it will be fun, right?”. Because he knew that I really wanted to go, since this guy is totally awesome. And so we went to get seats an hour early, because we both have issues with being on time/early. AND NO ONE WAS THERE YET EXCEPT THE BAND TUNING UP and maybe 3 other people. A way too small audience slowly showed up, (about 50 people maybe?) and the show was fantastic.

And I got the newest album, and then I had an opportunity to meet this awesome singer/songwriter/adorable little hobbit of a man (I love tiny stocky men like woah). There were about 5 people talking with him in a corner. My dad pushed me a little, telling me who he was sure this guy would love to meet a fan like me…and I totally failed. I did a straight NOPE and told my dad I couldn’t and pulled him right out of the tiny venue. I sent the artist a message on FB telling him how much I enjoyed the show, but who knows how often that gets checked. It was just a total heart-stopping moment of HE IS RIGHT THERE NOPE I CAN’T NOPE NOPE NOPE. Proof that although I love the idea of going to cons, it’s a great thing that I haven’t spent the money to go to one yet.

Mystic Blue

I have returned. Yes, I took a looong time off, but I was just not feeling it. Also, I was hating my hair greatly. At the moment, I have an undercut (close-cut, not shaved) with the floppy hair on top. I’m growing out my hair, but I couldn’t take the wings by my ears that were happening. This dress is great, except for the sleeves. 3/4 length sleeves from IGIGI = sleeves one inch above my wrist. Short arms are not factored into plus size clothing. So, I get a day full of pushing up my sleeves.

Product to recommend: Undersummers. These shortlettes, or slip shorts, are not the pettipants you’ve worn before. They are basically lady boxer briefs (sleek in the front). No shape-wear, just a panty short that keeps your thighs from chafing and your dresses all anti-static. Plus, you can wear them with the matching camisoles as super cute pajamas. I have 4 shortlettes, and they are fantastic.They don’t ride up like bloomers/pettipants/slip shorts, and they don’t squish you like foundation garments. I read about them on Lilli’s site, and bought my first pair. Then after wearing them, I promptly bought 3 more! Good stuff.

Year in Hair

Holy crap, I’ve been gone a long time. 3 months. 1/4 of a year. So, I kinda retreated into myself. I was still checking out stuff, but I didn’t feel like I could post any sort of happy post, and I didn’t want to continue to rehash how I felt. That’s what my therapy was for. But I’m feeling much better, so I’m going to be like everyone else and do a year-end wrap-up of ….my hair! It went through a lot of incarnations this year, so I’m just doing one photo per month. To sum up, I miss my curls, and I’m growing my hair back out.

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January 2014

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February 2014

March 2014

March 2014

April 2014

April 2014

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May 2014

June 2014

June 2014

July 2014

July 2014 – the loss of my curls and the beginning of the death spiral of my hair

August 2014

August 2014

September 2014

September 2014 – the death of my hair

October 2014

October 2014 – very early in the month, but the only picture I have

November 2014

November 2014

December 2014

December 2014

Rock bottom + a vest

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Karen Kane Faux Suede Vest

There is only one good thing about waiting to go to therapy until you feel like you’re having a breakdown, and that’s that you feel like there isn’t any further down to go. As you might assume, I have started therapy. And yes, I felt that horrible. I’ve been on Zoloft for mild depression/anxiety since college, so over a 1/3 of my life. But it was proscribed by my neurologist. I mentioned in this post that epilepsy medication has an effect on your mood (as well as just having epilepsy!), so epileptics are frequently on antidepressants. But I had never seen a therapist/counselor/psychiatrist anything until this past Friday.

It was…hard and it was refreshing. I had been feeling like at failure at work for a while, so that was the focus of my first session, as well as the sudden frequency of my panic attacks. (Rather than one every month or so, I have been having several a week.) Thanks to my insurance, my co-pay is small, but I was at the point that it didn’t really matter how much it was. When your mother is suggesting you seriously think about going on short-term disability, you know you need to make some changes. But after my first session, I have to admit that I’m hooked. I came out feeling 300% better.

 

Rachel Pally overload!

In my last shipment from Gwynnie Bee, they sent me three Rachel Pally dresses. Now I love Rachel Pally. Designer fashion in a plus size? That fit correctly? And are Hollywood style lounge-wear? Sign me up. Except they come with the price tag to match. So, I love them through Gwynnie Bee, because the dresses run about $200-250 apiece. Yeah.

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LORNA DRESS IN MINERAL GINGHAM

I got the Lorna dress in two colors, this pretty blue and the more colorful one at the end. It has a tie (not so visible here), that you can tie in front or back. For a day of work, I tied it in front so it wouldn’t annoy me with a big knot in my back. I wore leggings with and cardigans/shawls with all of these dresses, because this week was actually getting colder! Hurrah, Fall is finally getting it’s butt in gear! Of course, that meant I had to wear all these short sleeved dresses that came quick and then purge my online closet of summery stuff, but I was more than willing.

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MINI CAFTAN DRESS IN SEA STRIPE

I love the mini caftan dress. It makes me think of the beach. (Sadly, the full-length caftan is about 8 inches too long for me.) the sleeves also make me feel dramatically fancy.

My hair has started to grow back out and I now have odd floofiness in places. I’m going to have to deal with this. Because there will be no more actual cuts, just thinning and shaping, for a good long while.

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LORNA DRESS IN ROSETTE PRINT

You can see the tie easier in this photo, and I think I ended up liking this dress the most. The color composition was really pretty. And all of Rachel Pally’s stuff is gorgeous feeling – super luxurious modal jersey that feels just like your best jammies. Depending on how generous your bustline is, you can get a bit of a hi-low effect with this dress, but since I was wearing leggings, I didn’t care at all.

Being frozen

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Everyone has this faint terror behind the eyes, right?

I have an anxiety disorder. I also have mild depression, caused in part by the medication I take for my epilepsy (Most anticonvulsant medications cause depression as a side effect, so I’ve gone two years with a seizure, but my mood is affected.) Last week, and this past weekend were particularly bad. I had had a hard week at work, and it definitely showed. I had several panic attacks from Friday night through Sunday. For me, when I have a panic attack, I freeze. I feel as if the center of my chest is frozen, and I have problems breathing, although not to the point of hyperventilating. I’m also (generally) unable to move or talk. I will draw my right hand up to my chest and just become “locked” into my body. Today I feel like I’m playing some sort of horrible waiting game, waiting for the moment that I lose it. I’m trying to draw hope from the Bloggess‘ motto that “Depression Lies” but I need something more like “Anxiety is a bastard that sometimes freezes you and sometimes makes you burst into random hysterical sobbing.” But that’s a little long.

Working on it

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Kiyonna top, Simply Be camisole, Arlene Phillips pants, TOMS ballet flats.

All of you were really sweet and really helpful with your comments over the last week. I’m working on reclaiming an awesome vibe. Mainly I’m waiting for my hair to grow back to adorable baby sparrow length. I went to see my Nana this weekend and I was a little worried about what she would say about my hair. She’s my only grandparent left, my mom’s mom, and she’s pretty straitlaced when it comes to hair. (She hated when my cousin had dreads, and kept saying that she wanted to cut them off his head.) But she got me to lean forward into her chair so she could pet my hair, and when an uncle asked her if she missed my curls, she told him that my hair was soft and beautiful. Then she told me again that it was pretty when I kissed her goodbye. Grandmothers are the best.

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Three Dots top, Lane Bryant leggings, TOMS ballet flats.

I’m slipping back into a uniform of tunics and leggings. The fall suddenly hit the Virginia mountains with a big chilly smack in the face. I can’t wait until I can start pulling out all my sweaters and wear my heavier cardigans. If I had my way, there would be two seasons in Virginia, Spring and Fall. Fall is all new beginnings and stationery and crisp leaves. And I’m going to wear some kind of awesome wig for Halloween since my hair is so freaking short. I’ve never had short enough hair to wear a wig. When your hair is at least shoulder-length and incredibly thick, there’s no way to tuck it up under a wig. Neon wig, here I come!

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X-two Vive Top, Lane Bryant leggings, TOMS ballet flats.