Why I will never have babies

Warning: this post could be triggering. Mention of theoretical babies and death.

This post isn’t really funny at all. It’s actually pretty sad. But I wanted to write it last night when I was getting ready to fall asleep, and I still wanted to write it this morning, so I decided to just go on and do it.

So, I’ve never really longed to have children the way some women do. I’ve been telling people my whole life that I didn’t want to have children. That “once you have kids, you have to keep them”, and other funny remarks like that. I love babies and how cute they are, with their tiny little feet and hands, but I just never thought that I would have one. And it’s always been awkward when people insisted that I would want to have babies when I got older.

You see, my body decided NO, no babies for Erin. There’s nothing wrong with my uterus, though. I have epilepsy. I specifically have complex partial tonic-clonic seizures. Put simply, I pass out and have what you call a grand mal seizure. Those are the big scary ones, like they show on House all the time. Yes, women with epilepsy can have children. They generally need to go off their medication while pregnant, though, since several of the drugs can cause fetal abnormalities.

“So what’s the issue? Do you just really not want to go off your meds for 9 months?” No. The issue is what could happen when I was taking care of my theoretical baby. See, my seizures are mostly controlled by medication. The key word of course being mostly. I only have the odd seizure every 2 months or so. So it’s just a problem for me when I total my car, slicing my leg open to the bone and requiring a cane for a year. Or when I seize in the shower and slam open the skin under my jaw. Or in my bedroom and literally break my bedpost with my skull. Or just fall down and seize.

But women with epilepsy are recommended to only change their baby’s diapers on the floor and not to bathe their babies alone. Take a moment to think about that. I have a niece and nephew that I love more than any other children that could possibly be on this earth and I didn’t know about those rules when they were babies. The possibilities of what could have happened are making me sick. I can feel the horror and anxiety roll up from my stomach to my chest and sit there like a heavy weight, and I’m crying at the thought of what could have happened and what could happen with a theoretical baby.

The thought of a child accidentally being hurt while I have a seizure sickens me. After my car wreck, I surrendered my driver’s license. I’ve never petitioned to get it back. I live out in the boonies, and have to depend on other people to go places. I love to hold babies while their mama’s are right there watching. But I will never have a child. And I will never drive again. I can’t bear the thought of hurting or killing someone while I seize. And if I ever get married, it will only be to someone who understands that we will not be having children.